


My soul mate

by wykdkity



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Dean, Bottom Dean Winchester/Top Sam Winchester, F/M, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Original Character(s), Pining Sam Winchester, Top Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-07-14 18:55:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7185983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wykdkity/pseuds/wykdkity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean didn't go get Sam from Stanford, Sam wasn't even there for the big show down but he's trying to be there now, he wants to help dean pick up the pieces, but old feelings start to resurface, can they find a way to bridge the gap the past few years have created?, maybe its not too late for them as Sam learns some new things about dean that makes him question his decisions years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Distance

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at titles and summaries evidently 0_o!........... This is my first story (its a WIP) and I was a bit skeptical to share, I hope someone enjoys it ^_^!, I always read such amazing works on here I am but a novice, any way I have had this idea in my head for a while and decided to write it, I apologize for any spelling mistakes/ grammatical errors.if anyone has some time and would like to beta my story I would appreciate it muchly :p enjoy!

Sam's always thought it funny how quickly things can change, except there is nothing funny about how long it's been since he's seen or talked to Dean. When Sam left for Stanford he never looked back, he never called, texted or sent a letter if people even did that anymore, he was done with that life and he was done with his family dragging him back into it, secretly though a part of him was always wishing dean would reach out, except he never did. So Sam took that as them accepting his choice and tried to move on. For the first two years of university he dated this beautiful blond he knew would have made Dean drool for sure, he wanted so badly to show her off to his big brother but then he remembered that's not an option. One night he got so drunk he ranted about his father and brother wanting him to choose the life THEY wanted and if they can't accept him when he chooses differently then to hell with them, Jesse would just try to comfort him as best she could without really knowing what he was talking about. The next day he avoided giving her an explanation. The truth however was that Sam was angry at himself, sure he could deal with leaving the way he did if it was just his father, but he left dean, dean would never leave him, not by choice and he knew that, which is why the past few years he's hated himself and the longer he waited to call dean the harder it got. Lost in thought the phone he kept in the bedside table buzzed.

"Hello?"

_"How you doing kid?"_

"oh, hey Bobby, I'm good"

_"well don't hurt yourself with excitement now, I was only making sure you breathing, what's it been two years? You and that brother a yours don know how to pick up a damn phone?"_

"ha, sorry, no I'm glad you called, it's just been a while since this phone rang, don't even know why I keep it char-"

 _"because you want it to ring ya idjit, just didn't want it to be me",_ Bobby cuts him off and Sam missed this, Bobby sounding all grumpy when really he's happy, he was right, but it didn't mean he wasn't happy to hear a familiar voice.

"no really bobby, it's good to hear your voice, but uh, when last you talked to Dean?"

 _"been a couple a months, by my count, tried calling him few days ago, he was looking for john, told em I'd keep an eye out, make a few calls, not that I think you know but do you?"_  
Sam almost laughed out loud, he figured Bobby was only asking for conversation sake, if dean didn't know where their father was how the hell would he know, he was the last person john would call, he did tell him not the comeback after all, he felt a little pang for dean though he knows how worried dean gets about their family

"ah, no I do not, but if I do I'll uh, let you know"

_"had to ask, well take care of yourself son, and don't be afraid to give an old man a call once in a while, and call your brother! Ya idjit"_

"Alright Bobby, thanks for reaching out man" The phone went silent and Sam laid back on the bed, he really did want to call dean, their dad was missing this was the perfect excuse to call, he searches the phone for deans number and sent the call, the phone is pressed so tightly to his ear he's not quite sure its ringing until he hears deans voice.

" _hello?... Sam?, Sammy you ok?, Sam are you there?"_. Sam couldn't speak, he didn't expect dean to pick up, but then he thought dean probably kept this number same reason he did- hoping-  
_"hey man i'ma need you to say som-"_

"hey, dean!!, ya I'm good, I'm fine, I'm here"

 _"ok, good to hear, why are you calling?"_ there wasn't a trace of the earlier concern in his voice, his voice was now cold and indifferent as if he was annoyed, and couldn't be bothered, Sam struggled with his response, so many things he wanted to say... I missed you?, I want to see you?, I'm sorry, none of which made it past his lips

"I uh, I heard dad was, uh, missing, (silence), ya I spoke to Bobby earlier and he said you were searching, he said it was a few months ago but he hasn't heard from you so he figured you hadn't found him or is still looking"

_"Don't worry about it, Sam it's not your concern"_

"Dean if dad is missing-"

_"He isn't!! Ok, I know where he is, which means he's not missing, and what do you care any ways, you left us for two years without a word, why now? You lonely Sammy is that it? Feeling homesick?, well if I remember correctly you left because we didn't have a home like normal people do, you wanted to be normal, now you have that so enjoy it, dad and I are doing just fine"_

Sam wanted to argue he wanted to yell, but mostly he just wanted to remember when dean's voice didn't hold such contempt when speaking to him, he knew it wouldn't be easy, but dean was right he did choose this, but he didn't want it to be either or, he never did, the lawyer in him wanted to defend himself, to tell dean the whole truth but he decided against it

"ok, well I promised Bobby I'd call and check in, so, take care of yourself"

The call ended, and it would be another couple years before he heard his brother's voice again.  
Two years turned to five and it appeared to get easier, Sam didn't think about that pain in his chest as often as he used to it became sort of comforting, feeling something.  
After graduating he had gotten into Stanford law and his relationship with Jesse had ended at least a year ago, he loved her no question but they both realized their plans for the future was heading in different directions so they had to make some decisions which ultimately ended their relationship. Sam was no stranger to leaving people in the past, so he just simply shoved her in that room and closed to door. It was a little over a year before he started dating a fellow law student, a beautiful brunet named Kelly, and In the summer after his first year of law he got a himself a job interning at a law firm, already thinking of working there when he graduated. Everything seemed to be working out and he was finally getting what he wanted and he thinks silently to himself that his sacrifices weren't in vain. His lease was up on his old place and so quick as it seems he had moved in with his girlfriend of 7 months, it felt good going home greeted by someone, they were both in the same field and wanted the same things so it just worked smoothly, when he got home he could smell Kelly cooking with a big smile on his face he announced himself

"honey I'm home!!"

"Oh welcome back darling, how was your day" she seem to catch on and played along

"oh you know, tough, but much better now"

"hmm, I wonder why that is-oh that reminds me!!, your phone was ringing"

"what?, how does that, wait what phone?"

"oh you know the secret one you keep in the closet? Although guys usually keep their secret phones, I don't know, outside of the bedroom, but I mean that just-"

"Kelly!, babe it not what you think, and yeah I know when people say that it's usually- ok, remember how I told you I had sort of a falling out with my dad and brother?, well this phone is the only way I have to reach them, for a while I stopped charging it, but when we were moving in I found it and I don't know guess I just wanted to see if there were any messages"

"oh baby, I'm sorry to hear that, were there? Any messages I mean?" Sam just shook his head in silence, Kelly made her way over and put her arms around him, they stayed like that for a little while when Sam remembered the phone, he pulls away as slowly as he could and head to the bedroom where he saw the phone on the bed, he grabbed it and started scrolling through, the most recent missed calls were from Bobby but there was a message three days old left from Dean he couldn't listen fast enough.

_"hey Sammy, it's me, your big bro, ha, ok, so the thing is we found the thing that killed mom, we found the son of a bitch, and dad and I are gonna kill it. Wish you were here, you know to see how it ends but I know I, it's not what you want to do, look I'm sorry about how things have been between us these past few years, I didn't exactly make it easy for you to reach out and I'm sorry. But uh, heard you got into law school, dad and I are real proud a you Sammy, anyway, I just wanted you to know that."_

  
Sam was beside himself, the tears no matter how many times he wiped them away just kept coming, he was happy but terrified, it sounded like Dean was saying goodbye, somehow he preferred the last conversation they had to this, not this, it sounded too final, they never talked like that going into a hunt they just didn't, unless Dean knew he would lose and now the room was spinning, Sam was scared to listen to Bobby's messages, but he had to know.

_"Hey Sam, (silence) your idiot father and idiot brother went after the demon by themselves, (he could hear it, Bobby was trying to keep it together), they got him, but uh, dean's not looking so good, he's in the hospital---Lawrence--might not make it---soon as possible----late"_

Sam was sure his hearing must be off he's sure of it, because if it's not then Bobby is saying his brother is dying or could be dead, right now. Sam is up before he realizes it grabbing his laptop he need a ticket he's got to get to Lawrence, Kansas, how fitting for him to lose his whole damn family in the same god forsaken place, Kelly being the kind of person she is was quick to pack her things and went along with him, he didn't say it but he was grateful for he didn't want to make the journey alone. What felt like an eternity later Sam emerged from the airport and saw Bobby waiting, he made use of his long legs and closed the gap between them, he hugged Bobby so tight as if to make up for all the missed hugs over the years

"alright enough of that lets get you to the hospital"

"yeah!, uh Bobby this is Kelly, Kelly this is my uh, uncle Bobby"

"hi, nice to meet you"

"likewise!" Bobby says with haste as they got into the car, Sam was quiet the whole ride, he realized he didn't recognized anything, then again he was never around long enough be familiar with the place, when they got to the hospital he was finding it hard to breathe, it wasn't until Bobby slammed the driver door shut that he began to move

"Dean it unconscious, he's on the third floor, but john is on the second, just a broken arm some ribs, he's awake if you wanna see him fir-"

"What's Deans room number?" Bobby sighs and tells him 302  
Leaving Bobby and Kelly,Sam slowly makes his way to room 302, the door was open and he could see dean from only a few feet away, his legs felt like jelly, he knew it was dean but he couldn't recognize him, all the tubes connected to his slender frame, his face swollen, clearly couldn't breathe on his own, Sam reached out and took Dean's hand, his thumb slowly stroking over his knuckles, his hands felt so cold.

"Hey Dean, it me Sammy, I don't know if you can hear me but I'm here OK, I'm here now, and if you come back to me I promise I'll never leave you again, so please Dean, please don't leave me"

The tears are flowing again, the air went cold and Sam could feel the hair on the back of his neck rise, he looks around thinking he'll see dean but hoping he doesn't, but there is nothing there, the monitors started going off and the nurses are rushing in and Sam is being escorted out of the room, Sam is angry and grief stricken, he can't lose his brother, it was hard enough not seeing or talking to him all these years but there was always a chance, if he dies, everything Sam told himself to keep going will crumble, he needs dean to be OK, with that in mind he made his way to see john.


	2. While you were sleeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the second chapter! enjoy! :D,

Sam was expecting to see Bobby and Kelly when he made his way to his dad's room, but was relieved when he didn't. John looked different maybe it was the fact that he was propped up in a hospital bed, but for the life of him Sam couldn't remember what about the man used to terrify him so, he's certain John knows he's standing at the door way so he spoke.

"Dean's dying" John didn't flinch but he says nothing, didn't even turn his head to look at Sam

"Didnt you hear me?, I SAID Dean is dying!!" Sam surprised himself with how loud his voice got, he half expected John to leap out of the bed and knock him a couple times with his good arm, but nothing, Sam got frustrated and stormed further into his father's hospital Room, since John wouldn't turn around and face him he's going to make him look at him, what he saw stilled his anger. His father's eyes that were always filled with such authority and confidence was broken, filled with unshed tears, his mouth on the verge or quivering. John Winchester was trying his damnedest not to cry, but a part of Sam wanted to see it, he wanted John to hurt, it was his fault his brother was upstairs fighting for his life, and moreover it was his fault Sam wasn't there to look out for Dean, all his fau-

"I know, and it's all my fault, my boy is dying and its all my fault" he finally broke, it's like he could hear Sam's thoughts, he was crying now, John Winchester was a blubbering mess, can't even speak and  Sam tried to find comfort in that he's hurting, but he just feels worse than he did before.

"so what are we going to do about it?, we can't let him die, dean would do anything and everything he could if it were one of us up there, we can't let him down, we have to do some-"

"don't you think I've tried?, I have called every contact I know, exhausted every source, he's  not cursed or inflicted with some supernatural hoodoo, the piece a shit demon rammed us with a 18 wheeler, there is nothing in lore that I know of  that can heal mortal wounds, I don't know where else to look Sammy, I'm sorry I-"

"no!, there has to be something else we can do, I'm not going to lose my brother"

 Sam doesn't wait for John to say anything else, he had to get back to Dean, speaking to Dean's doctor did nothing to ease his anguish, if anything it made him more desperate, He began making calls of his own, unfortunately he's been out of the game so long his contacts were very few, some of them John had already reached out to, Sam was feeling hopeless, helpless and just plain useless, he kept telling himself if he had only been there, if he had gotten the phone call or even the message earlier that would have changed the outcome. Sam sat in the hallway outside dean's door, he wanted to go in but he couldn't, so he just sat out there watching the door. Sam's not sure how long he's been sitting there with his knees pulled to his chest, but he could hear chattering as it got louder he looked up to see Bobby, Kelly and some guy walking towards him, Bobby seems to be showing this man the way to Dean's room, was this it? Was this person here to save dean? Sam sprung to his feet in that instant following behind the man into Dean's hospital room

"Dean oh god, baby why didn't you wait for me?, please wake up.you have to... please" Sam couldn't see the man's face, but from his voice he could tell this man was hurting, that anguish in his voice sounded very similar to his own, the man was touching Dean every which way he pleased, he finally settled for taking Deans hand in his own and brought his brother's fingers to his lips (Sam thought in that moment how delicate his brother's fingers looked clasped in this man's hand). The man mumbled what sounded like a prayer Sam couldn't quite hear him, he didn't know what to do or say, here was this man a stranger to him, doing all the things he wanted to do, getting all the comfort of physical contact, the longer Sam watches the display the more he's realizing, this man was in love with his brother, his Dean, something inside him stirs.

Bobby didn't seem to find anything wrong with the display, heck if anything it seems he's used to it, which is weird because, that would mean dean's brought this guy around Bobby, enough that Bobby knows him, did John know too?, who else knows? Was he the only one that didn't know his brother was gay?, all those years he never once saw dean with a man, not once and now this guy here was slobbering all over his brother like-

"Hi, I'm Tom" Sam was caught off guard deep in his thoughts, the man- Tom had his hand stretched towards Sam for a hand shake, Sam took his hand rather firmly

"Sam"

"AH, yes of course, I'm so sorry we had to meet this way, Dean will be so happy to see you"

"yea he will" Sam was thankful Tom spoke so optimistically about Dean, if he didn't already hate the man he'd like him.

Sam's phone buzzed and he answered the call, he was glad for the excuse less this- Tom started talking about his relationship with Dean.

"hey you called me earlier?"

"yeah! I did! Did you find anything?"

"no, sorry but I think your ol' man did, he called for something else" the man sighed at the other end of the phone, Sam's got zero patience to deal with anything at the moment

"what did he need?"

"a spell, the son of a bitch is gonna summon a demon, he's gon' make a deal"

"no, no way my dad would never make a deal with a demon"

"I'm just saying kid you don't summon a demon like that just to chat, and given the circumstances I'd say it's very likely"

Sam hung up the phone and ran to John's room. When he got there john wasn't there, his heart sunk, felt like he was having a panic attack, just when he felt like he was going to hit the floor his father walked in.

"you ok there Sam? Did something happen? Is dean ok?"

"no, no he's not. Doctor said he might not wake up, said we should say our goodbyes, cause it could be anytime now"

" I see, well lets go see him then son" Sam thought himself foolish to believe for a second his father would make a deal with a demon, he allowed John to use his shoulder for support as they made their way to Dean in silence. As they got onto the third floor there was a lot of commotion, nurses and doctors alike was in awe, when they finally made it to the room door Dean was sitting up on the bed, being prodded and observed by a room filled with doctors, Sam all but forgot he had John leaning on him when he bolted towards Dean. Sam pushed through all the spectators and finally caught dean's eyes. Dean was off the bed before Sam could reach him, their arms coming out to receive each other and pull into a tight embrace. It was as if time stopped and it was just him and his big brother, course that's the sort of thing Dean would make fun of him for saying so he just hug him and kept his mouth shut.

"you alright soldier?" Dean pulled out of the embrace finally when he heard his father's voice, he stepped to the right of Sam and he could see his father standing there, he all but ran over and hugged him and in a voice almost tear filled he whispers "Yes sir".

Dean went on after that to hug Bobby and he didn't miss how the hug with Tom lingered or how tightly Tom pulled dean's body to his own, and he certainly didn't miss the soft kiss Tom placed on Dean's forehead, he suspects that location was chosen because of the parties present in the room. In light of this very unlike dean PDA Sam looked around realizing he hadn't seen Kelly since she showed up with Bobby and Tom, he figured she couldn't be far and he would go find her and introduce her to Dean and his dad first chance, but then he hears John ushering everyone out of the room asking for a few moments with his sons, to which the other two men obliged.

"well I gotta say, never thought the three of us would be in a room together again and not fighting"

"come-on dad- what's this all about?" Dean has always hated 'chick flick moments' as he's called them since forever.

"you're right, we don't need to do this, but after the past couple a days, I just want to say I'm proud of you, both, and I haven't been the most understanding father and I've put you both on a path that could end badly, but I know as long as you have each other you'll be alright, so just promise me you'll look out for each other alright?" there was silence, Sam and dean were in awe, their father has never shown this much emotion in all the years of their lives, they were fighting back tears of their own.

"I asked a question soldiers!"

"yes sir!" Sam and dean answered in unison, john smiled and turned to Sam.

"Sam? Mind getting me a cup of coffee?"

Sam eyed his suspiciously but left to fulfill his request, his mind is racing, he knows his father must have made a deal, there is no way Dean would have pulled through and so completely, Sam hurried back with the coffee only to walk into the room with Tom hovering over dean in his hospital bed kissing him whilst holding deans hands above his head with one of his, he's sure he heard dean whimpering, a sound that got all too clear when Tom's other hand starts to reach for his brother's waist band, Sam is so caught off guard he knocks over a tray Tom seemed to have brought dean food on, the clatter got their attention and Dean's face was red with embarrassment, he opens his mouth to speak and Sam cuts him off.

"dad, uh where's dad?"

"he went back to his room" Sam turns to walk away, within seconds he could hear dean follow behind him.

"Sam!, wait up, we should talk!"

"later"

"now Sammy!" Sam turns around so fast Dean stopped in his tracks

"ok, what do you want to talk about?"

"uh, well everything?"

"that might take a while don't you think? So just pick something and we can talk about the rest later?" deep down Sam knew what dean wanted to discuss so urgently, maybe not so deep down.

"ok Tom"

"he seems like a nice guy" fuck, he did not want to be having this conversation

"he is, I wanted to, you know make the introductions"

"oh don't worry about it, we met while you were, uh, sleeping"

"oh, ok- well I heard you brought a girl with you?"

"yeah, Kelly, I have to go find her actually, I'll bring her by to introduce to you in a bit"

"ok"

Sam walked off as fast as he could, He had his own questions for dean  but this was not the time or place, when Sam finally made it to Johns room his father was on the ground next to his bed, Sam dropped the coffee and rushed to his side, his first instinct was to call for help so he did loud as he could.

"you made a deal didn't you?" John grabbed his arm made sure Sam could see his eyes and says

"you have to protect him, don't tell your brother, you can't let him find out"

"did you trade your life for his?" Sam's eyes were pleading with his father but he didn't say anything else. It wasn't the first time he said those  EXACT same words to Sam, except the last time he said them it was to tell Sam to keep his feelings for dean to himself. And now he expected Sam to keep yet another secret from his brother. Before he could finish the thought dean is on the floor next to him cradling John's head

"Sam what happened?" Dean started yelling for help and the nurses finally showed up Sam got that familiar feeling of helplessness as they were both ushered out of the room, the only difference was, this time though Sam knew, that john was not coming back, he reached out and pulled dean into his arms dean lets him, his knees seems to give out and Sam carried his weight with him to the floor they sat on the floor dean sobbing into the crook of his neck, Sam lets his hand wonder and he ran his fingers through the hair at the back of Dean's head. Dean finally stopped crying and was now just laying his head on Sam's shoulder, it seems he's calmed down but Sam knew eventually the doctors are going to come out and tell them their father was dead and it's going to get so much worse.


	3. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haven't decided if I love or hate my OCs :/, keeping them neutral for the time being.

It has been almost a week since they gave their father a hunter's funeral and Sam was at a loss when it came to Dean, he just spent his days working on one of Bobby's many junk cars, barely eating or sleeping for that matter and when Sam tried to have a conversation he was met with silence, Sam tried to find out what happened with the demon- silence, he tries to reminisce -silence, after days of talking to himself he decided to give his brother some space. When the doctors had told them their father had died from a heart attack, Sam waited for Dean to lose it but nothing, he just stood next to Sam staring at the doors behind the doctors as they spoke, Sam knew this would be the outcome but when it was confirmed  he still couldn't help the sudden pain that invaded his chest, he had broken down and Dean was the one comforting him, he knew his heightened pain  was the result of guilt, because he can't help but think if John didn't do this  it would have been Dean instead, and no question given the chance he wouldn't change the outcome, a part of him thinks Dean would hate him if he knew he felt that way.

"you doing OK babe?" the question sounded so distant that he almost ignored it, until he felt Kelly's hands give his shoulder a tight squeeze

"'I'm OK, just uh-" Sam lets out a sigh, he feels bad, he's pretty much been ignoring Kelly this whole time, leaving her with Bobby most of the time and sitting in silence when they finally had time together, a bit of guilt washes over him because he knows those moments of silence were consumed with thoughts of Dean and how he can help his brother grieve.

"It OK, that was a stupid question, of course you're not OK, can I get you anything?" Sam took a hold of her hand and pulls her around to sit in his lap, he looks her over and thinks, how beautiful she is, he definitely cares about her and how could he not?, she's always been caring and understanding even when she doesn't have all the information, he tells himself she deserves better, but he's much too selfish to let her go so he pulls her closer and pressed his lips to hers, she kisses him back with intent straddling him she wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him in, she's running her fingers through his hair, moving her hips and grinding down in his lap, she leans in and starts kissing his neck when she finally pulls back to look at him he could see in her eyes she's thinking sex would comfort him, and for a second he thought it couldn't hurt, but he's also well aware they are sitting in Bobby's living room and Bobby or Dean could walk in any minute.

"what's wrong?"

"nothing, just, I'm not in the mood right now"

"that's not what this is saying" she made a point reaching for his semi-hard cock, he jolts a little  and tries to shuffle her off his lap the movement only served to stimulate him further, to confirm his earlier worries they heard Bobby clearing his throat, Kelly hops off Sam's lap leaving him exposed.

"Bobby!!, you're here"

"Yea, I live here"

"Yea of course, I just mean-" Sam fumbles with his words, he felt like a teenager trying to hide his boner .

"Idjit" he hears Bobby say as he walks out of the room,  a long cold shower later and Sam makes his way into Bobby's study

"Where's Dean?"

"Tom picked him up, didn't he tell you?"

"no.. ( Bobby didn't say anything else just kept skipping through his books) well where did he take him?"

"home I'm guessing"

"home?, like they live together home?" when they left Kansas they headed straight to Bobby's , he was clinging to dean the whole way there, it never occurred to him Dean was only going to Bobby's because of him.

"well, sorta, you should really be talking to your brother about that stuff,"

"I would if he'd talk to me"

"here's what I know, Tom lives a town over from here your brother pretty much lives there when he's in town, but you know Dean he'd sooner call that damn car of his home, and you're not the only one he won't talk to, poor Tom's been losing his mind whole time he's been here he hasn't spoken to him, not taking his calls I'm surprised he left, only word he spoke was the night we got back says he need to be here for you its why Tom left him here, we all know better than to argue with Dean when it came to you"

"when did he say that?, did he say anything before he left?"

"you were passed out on the couch, I swear you were the only thing keeping him from losing it that night, like he was keeping it together because you couldn't. He didn't say much save for bye, but he did a number on that car he been working on so I suppose he blew off some of that anger he been repressing, anyway you need to go check on him, here!"

Bobby hands him a piece a paper with an address scribbled on it, before he left Sam suggested Kelly went back to Stanford, she was reluctant but he can be persuasive, beside no logic in them both losing their jobs, in the end she decided it was the right call, he promises her he'll try and be back as soon as possible and kissed her goodbye, she didn't make a fuss when Sam told her Bobby not he would be talking her to the airport.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Tom, its Sam, Bobby gave me your number, I wanted to call and let you know I am on my way over"

"OK, good maybe you can get him to eat something" Sam didn't know what to say to that, he noticed dean wasn't eating, but he himself had lost his appetite so he thought it hypocritical to force Dean to eat, he was too caught up in his own grief and self hate to realize how stupid that was.

"OK, see you soon" Sam stopped and grabbed burgers from a place close to Bobby's he knew Dean used to be fond of and hoped he still was, the rest of the  ride over Sam kept thinking about Dean and Tom living together, his brother, the man who picked up a new lay in every state, no every town was now shacking up with a man, Sam was a bit annoyed at the thought, he never thought Dean would settle down. Least of all with a man. As the house came into focus Sam got the urge to laugh, it was an actual fucking white picket fence, like actually, he got out of the car and hurried to the door he only knocked twice before the door flew open.

"hey, come in, shhh, he's finally sleeping"

Sam walks in and sees Dean on the couch over Tom's shoulder, he felt a bit of satisfaction when he noticed up close he was actually taller than Tom, Tom gestures for him to follow him to the kitchen, where their tone was adjusted once again.

"how long's he been out?"

"about half an hour, so I didn't wanna wake him you know"

"no, yea of course"

"how long are you staying?"

"uh, staying-?"

"In Dakota, I mean, Dean tells me you're in law school"

"uh, yea, well I have the summer off so, I don't know yet"

"well, you should stick around, dean will be happy to have you, you're more than welcome to stay in our guest room"

Everything Tom was saying sounded genuine, Sam could see in his eyes Tom loves Dean, god he seems like a good guy he really does but the moment Sam heard him say 'our' he realizes no he fucking hates him. Sam becomes preoccupied with his thoughts he missed half of what Tom was going on about.

"-so see you when I get back"

"OK, yea" Sam follows him back into the living room, he watches as Tom walks over to the couch and gently kisses Dean's forehead, his stare lingering on his brother's face before he finally turns and walks away, Sam's finally able to identify that clutching sensation in his stomach, it was pure jealousy. After about half an hour of trying to stay away so dean could sleep Sam goes to sit on the coffee table in front of the couch, he observed Dean's features as he slept, he noticed, sweat building in his forehead so he reaches over and wipes it away, Dean stirs a little and he withdraws his hand, Sam's missed this, watching dean sleep, he remembers those nights Dean would fall asleep and he would watch just to make sure he didn't stop breathing, somewhere along the line though it became more. He has started wanting to touch, he started putting his hand on dean's chest to feel the rise and fall, to feel his heart beating and then finally he starting kissing him while he slept, most of those times dean kissed him back, but he was still asleep, Sam always chalked it down to reflex, he wished one day Dean would kiss him back when he was awake, hell he prayed Dean would wake up one of those nights so he could tell him the truth, but until then it was his little secret that was until that night John walked in.


	4. Reflect

"Hey, sleepy head" Sam had been in the kitchen sitting on his laptop trying to not molest his brother, Dean had woken up probably thinking he was home alone and just sat there quietly, so Sam expected the startled look he got when he spoke.

"where's Tom?" Dean asked indifferently, Sam tried not the dwell on it

"he, went to work, says he'll be back soon,( dean doesn't say anything else so Sam spoke again) I brought you some burgers, I could heat it up for you or if you'd like I can make you something else"

"you?? Since when can you cook?" Dean looks at him with an arched eyebrow, that's the most facial expression he's gotten from him all week so he takes it.

"course I can, I had to learn being on my own (he knew as soon as the words escaped his lips him moving away wasn't  the best topic, he could see Dean's face going back the blank) but yea, what'dya say?"

"burger's fine"

"I see you're still eating like you're gonna be young forever"

"hey you bought them!, and I'm a hunter, young is all I got, I don't give much thought to forever" Sam tried to not think of how grim that statement was but he knew it was true, hunters should they be so lucky barely makes it to Bobby's age, Sam brought the burgers out and they ate in almost perfect silence before Sam decided he wanted to have that talk now.

"So, Tom huh?"

"what about Tom?

"Come on man, it's not about Tom, more that it's a 'Tom'"  Sam put as much emphasis on the man's name, no way Dean should need further explanation

"ooh, you mean that he's a man, wow Sammy didn't take you for homophobic type, I mean you were in college don't tell me you didn't experiment, even a little"

"that's not what I mean and you know it, I mean my whole life you've been chasing girls, I've never seen you with a guy, I had no idea you were even into guys"

"well neither did I, not really-well there was this one guy,but it wasn't going to work out (Sam could see the sadness on Dean's face, he couldn't help but think how foolish that other man was to let his brother go).. I met Tom around the same time that man was out of my life, I mean he's a good looking guy and that's coming from me, anyway we were hunting the same thing damn thing had up trapped for a week in the woods, we got to know a lil bit about each other and one thing led to another and what can I say Sammy I'm irresistible"

"hmpf,  so Tom is a hunter?"

"sort of, he's retired, he's actually a social service worker, sometimes he comes with me for back up but mostly he's here"

"sounds like a pretty good set up, I mean he's a hunter so he understands the job-"

"enough about my love life, where's your girlfriend?"

"she went back to Stanford"

"aah, so when are you leaving?"

"I don't know yet"

"but you are though right?" Sam could hear a mix of panic and anger in Dean's voice, he didn't want to ruin the good mood his brother was in

"yes, but not anytime soon, I wanna make sure you're ok"

"hey don't stay for me man, I'm fine "

"who else would I stay for? Jeez Dean dad is gone you're the only family I have left, we need each other to get through this"

"you're right, I'm sorry, but I mean you seemed fine when I left"

"when you left what are you talking about?"

"well you seemed over your grief enough to be screwing your girlfriend on Bobby's couch"

"wait, what? nothing happened, she was just trying to make me feel better, and Bobby walked in on us anyway so nothing happened" Sam felt like a cheating husband busted for his indiscretions, pleading with his wife to believe his innocence, the thought made him want to smile, but he knew Dean would hate being thought of that way.

"wait you passed up pity sex?, Sammy have I taught you nothing?"

"I'm not you dean, and news flash, not everyone can screw their way through every emotion"

He didn't mean to yell it but Dean didn't seem bothered by the tone, instead they spent the rest of the evening on the couch talking and laughing, dean coaxing Sam to tell him the Juicy details about his college experiences none of the boring crap, he told him about Jesse and that one time he let that cute guy _(no mention how much he resembled dean)_ give him a blow job he also didn't mention how the next time he saw that guy he had brought him home bent him over his couch and fucked him all the while it was Dean on his mind and Dean's name that escaped his lips. He told him about almost getting arrested for getting into a fight and at a bar and through every story Dean provided crude humor, but as the laughter died down Dean asked the one question Sam has been praying he didn't.

"why did you leave?, no why did you leave without telling me?"

"I can't, I don't think telling you now will change anything"

"Sam, I deserve at least an explanation, anything"

"dad-"

"don't!, don't you dare, for a second bring him into this, I don't care what was going on with the two of you, I made my peace with the fact that you may never get along, but you choosing not to tell me you were leaving was a decision you made, regardless of what was going on, you and I were close you used to tell me everything, why couldn't you just come talk to me Sammy?"

There's that voice again, so broken, Sam used to secretly love it when Dean called him Sammy but as of late it's rarely said without a defeated tone, before Sam could say anything they heard the door, Tom was home, Sam was a tiny bit grateful for the interruption, Dean gets us so as to collect himself and walks out to greet Tom

"Hey babe, did you sleep well" Dean blushes, obviously still not used to Tom's terms of endearment , or maybe it's because Sam was around, Dean just nods and lets Tom tilt his head back by his chin and plant a chased kiss on his lips, Sam wishes he was Tom or more like wishes Dean was his to do with as he pleased, he turns his head away less his jealousy consume him.

"I brought Thai" he heard Tom say, when he finally pulls lips away from Dean's, they ate in front of the TV, they are watching baseball, could be ice skating for all Sam cares, he's too busy observing the slight touches that goes on between Dean and Tom, how he's sitting too close leaning in too much, Sam finally finish eating and decided to take a shower, he hadn't realized how long he was in there because when he was done Dean and Tom were no longer in the living room he makes his way to the guest room when he hears Dean's voice.

"Sam's here, we can't"

"why not??, besides we don't know how long he'll stay for and I haven't been laid in 3 weeks"

"that long?"

"don't pretend you don't know, I know you, and I know you want it just as bad"

"you're right, but Sammy-"

"Sam's a big boy dean, and besides he won't hear us, not unless you want him to"

Sam hears movements followed by the sound of kissing, he hears a faint moan of surrender escape his brother's lips, the moment he heard them sink into the bed he knew the protest was over, he knew he should walk away but he couldn't, he was straining his ear to get anything he could he wanted to hear dean's moans, god he hated himself and Tom even more, because he's just hoping Tom hits the right spot so he can hear those sweet sounds escape his brother's lips, after a few minutes Sam realized he was hard, but he needed more so torturous as it was he listened.

"ah, Please Tom, I need to"

"hang on just a bit more baby, I'm almost there"

"ah,hmm, oh god!"

"that's it, so good dean, I love you"

"hmm. Tom,-"Dean sounded desperate to the point of begging and Sam wishes he was the one giving his brother this pleasure, a few minutes later,Sam could hear skin slapping against skin, both men were panting, Dean trying but failing to keep his voice down, no doubt for Sam's sake. As both men reached their climax, Sam all but runs from the door, when he gets into the guest room, he lays on his back and wraps his palm around his cock, still rock hard, he tugs firm and quick a couple times all the while thinking of dean riding him, remembering  Dean's moans sent him over the edge, after a few more tugs he was coming. moaning Dean's name, minutes later before he drifted off to sleep he thought to himself maybe John was right, maybe he was sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0_o!! my smut writing lvl makes me sigh!, hope you guys liked it, :\


	5. Closing the Gap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay! ^_^!,

The next morning Sam woke up early before Tom and Dean and went for a run, he figured Tom will be gone when he gets back and he wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to the guy.

Like he predicted Tom's car was gone and only the impala sat in the driveway, still Sam was hesitant to enter the house, he made a point not to look or call for Dean instead he made his way upstairs and straight to the shower, just when his thoughts were drifting to last nights' events he heard a knock on the door but before he could answer Dean barged in.

"hey!, Dean i'm in the shower do you mind?"

"uh, calm down Sammy, just gotta grab something from under the sink, what are you so flinchy about any way? what are you a girl?"

"it's called privacy!"

"uh huh, anyway Bobby found us a job, I was gonna go on my own but Tom's being, well Tom, so you're my back up, shake a leg Samantha"

"fine just get out!", Sam forgot how annoying dean could be sometimes, and he missed it.

 

It was a routine hunt, simple salt and burn, Sam was sure Dean could have handled it on his own, but he was happy to tag along, it was like riding a bike. He'd never admit this to dean anytime soon but he kind of missed hunting, or maybe it was the company.

"So how's' what's her face?"

"who?"

"you know, your girl"

"Kelly?, Dean her name is Kelly!"

"I knew that"

"right, well she's fine, last I spoke to her"

"last you spoke to her?, Sammy I thought you were good with the ladies"

"what? Shut up!, we're fine, it's just been crazy, she's back at work, we're good"

"uh-huh, if you say so"

"hey!, why do you even care?, you used to forget the names of women you slept with only hours before"

"hey I'm not judging you, just want you to be happy, I mean after you- it would just be"

"what? After I what?, went to Stanford?, after I left the family"

"abandoned"

"what?"

"after you abandoned your family, you should have something to show for it"

"I didn't abandon you, I didn't want to leave you"

"but you did, didn't you, you keep saying, you didn't want to but nobody held a gun to your head, it was your choice, just like it was your choice to not call". Sam huffed and bit down on his bottom lip to keep from responding, the memory of the night he left for Stanford came flooding in.

*~ _"what are you doing to your brother?". It had finally happened, John was gripping his arm so tight pulling him into the other room, but all he could think about was dean waking up and finding out._

_"nothing!, it's not what you think" his voice was barely a whisper_

_"so you weren't just kissing your brother in his sleep? Do you know what all kinda wrong that is Sam?"_

_He was silent_

_"how could you do something like that?, he's your brother for god sake!!"_

_" don't you think I know that?, I love him, I've tried to stop, I can't-"_

_John's fist connecting with his face was anticipated, but it still caught him off guard, Sam was forced to step back, he knew it was pointless to argue, he agreed with John, it was wrong to harbor those feelings for his brother, even more so to act on them, but he just couldn't help it._

_"I don't know what to do, I can't make my feeling go away dad"_

_John didn't look at him, instead he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a drink Sam was unsure if he should follow or not, but eventually he went along._

_"how long?" he wasn't quite sure what his father was asking, how long has he been in-love with Dean or how long had he been stealing kisses in the dark of night"_

_"how long have you been ki-, doing THAT to your BROTHER?"_

_"does it matter?" John moved towards him as if the strike him again but stayed across the table, and poured another drink._

_"do you have any idea what this will do to Dean if he finds out?, that boy dotes on you so much it's gonna break his heart"_

_"I know!, but maybe-"_

_"maybe what? Maybe he's gonna be OK with it?, maybe he'll run off with you and the two of you live happily ever after?, let me tell you something boy, you put that burden on my son and I will end you"_

_"I'm your son too!"_

_John didn't answer, instead he just pulls out a chair and sits down, poured himself another drink, Sam's frustration builds, he was angry, sad and terrified all at once, it was true many nights he had thought about the possibility, that dean would return his feeling, and every time Dean hugged him or looked at him with such affection he allowed himself to wonder, a selfish part of him thought even if it's not what Dean wants at first, he'll never say no to his Sammy, and their love for each other would get them through it all._

_"I know you got accepted into Stanford"_

_Sam wasn't surprised John seemed to know a lot these days, he didn't respond_

_"I need you to go, I want you as far away from Dean as possible, you hear me?"_

_"I can't just leave Dean"_

_"are you so selfish, that you would bring your brother down with you in this filth?, you say you love him but to hell with what he wants right?, because Sammy has to have what he wants, you listen to me you brat, if you breathe a word of this to your brother, I will never forgive you, and he may not show it but he will never forgive you either, you don't want to be here we all know it, which is why you applied to Stanford in the first place, dean's life is here, with me, our family, what exactly is your plan here Sam? You would damn your brother along with you and if not abandon him?"_

_"I would never abandon Dean, he's my family, I would do anything for him, I'd never hurt him"_

_"then do this Sam, leave, go to Stanford, be a lawyer, find a nice girl get married come back in a couple years when this is out of your system Dean will understand. be the one for once to protect your brother, he's given up enough of himself for this family, you can't let him find out about this"._

_John looked like he wanted to cry, Sam had to admit, what he was saying about protecting dean made sense. That selfish part of himself that was convinced dean would choose him even if it's not what he wanted was even more evident in his train of thought and he decided, maybe he didn't deserve Dean after all. That night before day break Sam packed his things and left, he didn't want to see the look on Dean's face when he found out he was leaving and he didn't trust himself not to want to stay when he sees Dean, when he walked out the door John didn't say a word, but as he closed the door he heard a sigh, if he wasn't so sure his father hated him now he'd swear he was sobbing.*~_

Sam was so caught up in his memory he didn't realize they were back at the house, Dean put the impala in park and just sat there, staring straight ahead Sam wasn't quite sure what he was looking at but the silence was deafening.

"Dean, I know I never said this and you might not believe me, but I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I wish I could go back and do it differently, you know,talked to you about my plans, I was a coward and I didn't want to face you, you have to believe me, leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and there was never a day I didn't want to call you or wanted to tell you something and remember I fucked up, and it just got harder to take that first step and I know it sounds like a lot of excuses and- please say something"

"what do you want me to say?"

"I don't know, but I just don't want us to keep having this fight, I am admitting  I fucked up, you sitting there silent isn't very reassuring"

"hmm, so you, what. want me to lie and say I'm over it?, that it didn't hurt like hell?, cause it did, and you want to know what the kicker is, I would have _never_ done that to you, _ever_ "

Deans voice went weak at the end there and Sam already knew he was trying not to cry, Dean got out of the car and head straight for the house, Sam followed behind him, when they got inside dean was pacing, trying his best not to look at Sam, but the sight of Dean trying so hard to stay strong was killing him ,his own unshed tears threatening to spill from his eyes. When Dean finally turns to look Sam in the eyes Sam closed the gap between them with quick long strides, before he knew it his arms were reaching out ready to comfort his brother, he wasn't sure Dean would let him but he had to try, both hands came up the cradle Dean's face, he wipes away the tears with his thumbs, at his touch Dean closes his eyes but he Did not push Sam away so Sam brought one hand to pull his brother to his chest, and the other to cradle his head nesting dean's face in the crook of his neck, his tears wetting the area, and for the first time, Sam truly understood the damage he had done.

"Dean I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, please forgive me, I'm so sorry, please believe me"

Sam's can't even hear himself speak any more, it sounds like he's under water, dean was in his arms broken, because of him, he'd give anything if he could take his brother's pain away.

When it seemed Dean has calmed down, Sam reluctantly tried to break the embrace but Dean was hanging on for dear life, Sam wasn't sure what to make if this, but he wasn't complaining

"just a little while longer, please Sammy"

Dean really didn't even have to ask, and a part of Sam wished he hadn't , because that voice, that pleading voice was breaking his heart, he tried again to pull back and when dean wouldn't budge Sam took his hand cradling Dean's head and reached for his brother's chin, forcing Dean to lift his head so Sam could see his face, his eyes were red, his cheeks were tear stained and his lips bruised no doubt from biting them in an attempt to not sob out loud.

Sam was beside himself, he knows he's about to go back on his promise, he's going to be selfish and he doesn't care, because right then in that moment there was nothing he wanted more than to kiss his brother, his face heated up as the thought entered his mind, he leans in and as if coaxing a wild animal he gently presses his lips to Deans' , when dean didn't respond his heart started racing and he was sure he fucked up, he removes his hand from his brother's chin and tries to pull back but Dean's advancing now, he moves his arms to wrap around Sam's neck and pulls him into a hungry kiss. Sam was quick to respond, the desperation in Dean's kiss only made Sam ache for him more intense, he wants to tell dean this is what he always wanted, but he didn't want to risk breaking this spell that's suddenly making his dreams come true, so he just tried his best to put every feeling, every thought - his whole soul into this kiss and pray  to which ever god will listen to never let this moment end.


	6. What Now??

Sam was finding the aggression in the kiss and the softness of Dean's lips quite contradictory, he was trying to suppress his need to push his brother down and fuck him on the floor but Dean was quickly undoing his efforts. Dean seems quite determined and while Sam didn't know the layout of the living room without looking, Dean was well versed so Sam, found himself being led and he went along, not breaking the kiss until he felt his brother's hands push against his chest and he fell back onto the couch, in that brief moment of separation Sam tried to decipher the look in his brothers eyes, but before he could Dean climbed into his lap and leaned in to kiss his neck, his approach was suddenly different, more gentle. The kisses were soft and lingering as if he was trying to memorise Sam's smell and just the idea of it was driving Sam crazy.

"De-dean, wait" Sam tried to get his brother's attention, before they go any further he wanted to make sure it's what Dean wants, because he already knows it's what he wants, but Dean wasn't playing fair.

"what's wrong Sammy, don't you want me?" he says teasingly as he moves his hips knowingly grinding down on Sam's now rock hard cock, moving close enough to his brother's body to press his own growing erection against him.

"oh god Dean yes" Sam gasped, he tried he really did, but how can he-- Sam couldn't finish the thought because Dean is taking off his shirt, way slower than necessary, it was Sam's turn to memorize, Dean's body had changed, his frame was still smaller to Sam's but his muscles were defined, Sam's eyes were quickly drawn to the lines descending into his pants, the task was cut short because as soon as the shirt was over his head Dean was leaning in again, kissing Sam softly on the lips almost playfully. Sam can't believe how good it feels, somewhere in his mind he thought he must be dreaming, he felt his grip on Dean's hips tighten as he pulls his brother closer grinding his cock against his ass, no doubt to reaffirm that he is indeed sitting on his lap kissing him-like he's always wanted.

 Dean whimpers at the friction, frustrated he shuffles out of Sam's grip, for a minute Sam panicked, he thought the dream was coming to an end but then he saw dean kneeling between his legs, his hands undoing Sam's pants pulling on them until his cock was free. Deans grip was firm and sure, he seemed satisfied with his brother's reaction to him and with a little smirk on his face he moved closer. Sam damn near lost his mind when his brothers' lips came to wrap around his cock, Dean's mouth is wet and hot as he slides his head down taking Sam's erection all the way in, Sam inhales trying to keep his hips from jerking forward, but Dean is prepared his one hand pressing on Sam's thigh as if warning him not to move.

"Dean,"  Sam isn't expecting an answer when he whispers Dean's name, hell he thinks he's just saying it because he wanted to fill the silence, less Dean hears his heart pounding , but when Dean pulled back to reply Sam didn't know what  expect.

"shhh, relax Sammy lemmie take care of you" Sam tried to sit up and dean pushed him back, took little to no effort, Sam didn't reply because he couldn't speak, he wanted to tell dean he didn't have to 'take care' of him anymore he's not a kid' but then Dean was running his tongue up and down his shaft, placing soft kisses at the base all the way back to the tip, before taking him in again half way swirling his tongue around the tip as he slowly took him in more and more, Dean looks up at him with what Sam could tell was a mixture of pride and lust, not breaking the eye contact Dean gently cupped his balls caressing them as he sucks Sam off. It was the hottest thing Sam's ever experienced, or so he thought until he notices Dean's hand in his own pants, jacking himself off letting out little moan while his lips are still wrapped around Sam's cock. Sam was done, he came in his brother's mouth and Dean swallowed every drop, coming only moments after Sam. Before he could get a word out Dean was on his feet and walking away.

"DEAN! Wait"  Dean stops but didn't turn around, "we should talk"  Dean stood at the bottom of the stairs says nothing and still didn't turn around "what is this, is silence your new form of torture?"

"no! ,shut up"

"ok, well that's something, I guess" Sam walks over to where Dean's standing, Dean's still shirtless, Sam looks at his back, logically he knows Dean is by no means fragile but he can't help but see him that way, so he approaches him with caution. "so are you gonna look at me?"

"no" Sam was right behind him when he said it and he wrapped his arms around Dean, his arms circle around Deans lean waist pulling  his brothers back to rest on his chest Dean didn't resist just let his body fall onto Sam. "I'm sorry, Sammy, I'm so sorry" there's that voice again, that tear filled broken voice.

"heey, hey, no Dean, hey look at me, please there's nothing to be sorry about ok, will you please just look at me, and you'll see"

"Sammy I can't, please don't make me" Sam was beaten, he can't deny Dean's request when he asks like that, with that voice, shaking in his arms, so Sam just holds him tighter, hoping to convey what words couldn't at the moment.

"it's ok Dean, you don't have to look at me right now if you don't want to, but when you're ready I'll be here, I promise" Sam wanted to demand so many answers, he want to tell his truth, but he knew it was best to let Dean come to him on his own.

Sam's not sure how long they stood like that at the bottom of the stair but he felt Dean pulling away and clearly it wasn't long enough he reluctantly lets him go.

"I'm gonna take a shower. Tom will be home soon"

Dean's words sounded almost distant, which is weird because he didn't start making his way up the stairs until after it was said. Oh right, Tom, Sam fucking hates that guy.


	7. This is it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I've decided to end with chapter 7, I hope you guys like it! ^_^!.

That night Dean didn't come back downstairs until Tom came home. Sam had thought about going up so many times but he promised Dean patience, so he tried to distract himself catching up on reading. He convinced himself he can give Dean time to come to him, but he started to doubt his ability to do so when Tom came home and kissed his brother and Dean let him, and then when they settled in on the couch to eat and Tom pulled Dean closer to him and casually placed a kiss on his forehead like it was any other Wednesday, and not the same day Dean had given him the best blow job he may ever have. Sam decided it was time to go.

" I'm going out for a bit " Sam gets up with his half eaten pizza in hand grabs his jacket and head for the door, before he could make it through Dean was behind him.

"where are you going?" his voice was almost a whisper, his eyes still not meeting Sam's

"There's something I gotta do"

"I can tell when you're lying Sammy"

"well I'm not-" Sam turns to walk out and Dean grabs onto the jacket in his hand,  Dean finally looked at him, his eyes pleading. "look, Dean I just need some fresh air, alright?" Sam tried to soften his eyes as much as possible before turning his head and walking away, he knew Dean wanted him to stay, but he needed to get away, watching his brother with Tom was infuriating, and as much as he wanted to put Dean's worries at ease he just couldn't stay.

Sam didn't have a destination in mind, he just hit the road and kept driving, before he knew it he was parked up outside Bobby's, it was almost an hour before he decided to go in.

"Glad you decided to come in..."

"hm?, oh yea, you knew I was out there?"

"course I knew, I'm a hunter even when I'm sleeping I'm awake"

"hm, ya I guess you're right, got anything to drink?"

"whiskey" Bobby watched him suspiciously, following him to the fridge, "I'm happy you decided to drop by in the middle of the night and all but, iseverything alright Sam?"

"huh?, yeah, course just wanted to come by, you know, see how you're doing"

"uh-huh, you wanna try that again?"

"Bobby, it's nothing, really" Bobby was still staring at him with suspicion, but Sam won't break he can't talk to Bobby about this, no matter how badly he wants to talk to someone, Bobby's the only family he had left outside of Dean and telling Bobby this might end that relationship, like it did with John and he just can't stand to lose anyone else. Thankfully Bobby didn't push any further, he just grabbed a glass and joined him at the table.

"Bobby, do you think hunters are ever happy?"

"I'm happy"

"really?" Sam laughs at Bobby's facial expression

"Look boy it ain't about being happy by traditional sense, I just know where I stand I know what my life is and I've accepted it, you boys are the closest and only thing I have to family and I know you can take care of yourselves and each other. And not having to worry about the people I love is what happiness is to me. But that's just me."

"but don't you want to find love?, settle down?"

"I did, and look how that turned out, this point I get anymore settled and I'll be dead, what's this all about? Your girlfriend? She breaking up with you or something?"

"huh?, no!, no Kelly's great, I'm the problem"

"I won't argue there"

"wow, thanks Bobby"

"I'm just saying I haven't been, uh Dating since, well that's besides the point, but you didn't pay that girl any mind while she was here, and you didn't even drop her off at the airport, you had me do it, even I know that's no way to treat someone you're supposed to be with, why'd you even bring her here?"

Sam knew Bobby was right, and it wasn't like it didn't cross his mind, he does care about her, but he's not  in love with her, it been Dean for as long as he could remember, he thought he could leave and the feelings would go away but it didn't and after what happened, (he glanced at his watch eyes kinda blurry), yesterday by the time on his watch and there's just no way he can just walk away.

"she wanted to come, and I did want her here, it's just once I was here I realized I didn't, not really, but you're right, I should end things with her"

"I never said end things ya idjit!, I think you've had too much whiskey"

Sam laughs , he really did wish he could tell Bobby, he could use some advice.

"hmm...no it's not the whiskey, I'm just not in love with her, ( _not like I love Dean)_ not like I should be"

He's not sure when the subject was changed, but he's sure Bobby did that to avoid asking about the defeated look on his face, he was thankful for that, for the rest of the time they drank and reminisced about hunts and lores, Bobby's comfort zone and Sam was ok with that.

"Rise and shine Sammy!" Sam could suddenly feel the warmth of the sun on his face, and the pounding in his head, he'd forgotten how it felt to be this hung over and he did not miss it. He  opened his eyes just a bit and it burned, but he had to open them because maybe he's still too drunk and he's hallucinating Dean standing by the doorway.

"what are you doing here?"

"well, Bobby called said you were acting weird, drank all his whiskey"

"ugh, yea well, I just needed a drink-" Sam made his way to the bathroom and head straight for the toilet, he spent the better part of 5 minutes barfing but there was nothing except for a half slice of pizza from the night before that was no doubt long gone, but he sat there hugging the toilet none the less, the coolness of the bowl on his arms calming him somehow.

"OK, so why did you _need_ a drink?"

"you know why" Dean doesn't say anything just walked in and handed him a bottle of water and two pills, he didn't ask just took them from his brother and swallowed them.

"Sam I'm ready to talk" Sam looks pass him almost, silent, listening.

"Bobby's not here" Dean seem to realize the reason behind his hesitation, Sam noticeably breathe then spoke

"let me get cleaned up and I'll be right out" Dean turns around and walked out without protest, Sam was thankful for that, he needed to collect himself,  after a few minutes of freaking out he freshened up and joined his brother in Bobby's spare room, when he walked in Dean was sitting on the bed, Sam walks in and closes the door but instead of joining dean on the bed he leaned his back against the door, Dean didn't look at him, they just stayed like that in silence, nobody speaking.

"you said you were ready to talk? So talk" Dean was silent, still not looking up from the floor, so Sam made his way over to the bed, "Dean!" Dean was forced to look up at Sam who immediately Sat next to him and took his hands when he saw the panic in his brother's eyes

"Sammy I'm so sorry, about what happened last night, I never should have done that, I'm your brother and, it was wrong, I know it was, I am so sorry for-"

"wait, hold on a second _, **that's**_ what you wanted to talk about?, to apologize for what? Taking advantage of me?.  First of all I kissed you first remember? And Dean I'm not a kid, you didn't do anything I didn't want you to do, that I haven't thought about you doing a thousand times over" when Dean looked away and didn't reply Sam let go of his hands and used both of his to turn Dean's head to face him "Dean, I love you, not like a brother is suppose to love his brother, like I want to be with you, I want to make love to you, wake up next to you, hold you in my arms and watch you fall asleep, kiss you like it's nobody's business" Dean's eyes are closed and tears are running down, Sam wants to kiss him, but he wants Dean to say something. " Dean please don't be silent right now, I can't-"

"I love you too Sammy" Dean is sobbing now and Sam kissed him quickly before pulling him into a firm hug, " I want that too" Dean whispered into Sam's neck, and Sam was done holding back, he starts kissing Deans neck slowly pushing him back onto the bed, which was easy enough because Dean wasn't resisting, Sam manage to get both Dean's legs in the bed before settling between them, once his lips found Dean's, his body was quickly telling him more, he needed to feel more of Dean, he needed to make his mark, claim him if you will, so without thinking Sam bit into Dean's neck, Dean's wince followed by a barely audible whimper, went straight to Sam's cock.

This time Sam took the lead, he had them both naked in record time, Dean's compliance would be such a turn on if Sam wasn't afraid he was just going along with what he wanted, so as he lined up his cock to his brother's hole, he looked down at Dean and his eyes were squeezed shut, hard as it was to pause he knew he had to for both their sakes.

"Dean, are you sure you want to do this?" Sam's cock was aching and he's not sure if he really could stop if the answer is no, Dean nods his eyes still closed

"come on Dean I need to hear you say it" Sam moves his hips a little closer smearing precum on Dean's entrance teasing, Dean lets out a whiney moan and Sam knew he wanted him, but he needs to hear it out loud.

"ye-s, I want this, I want you Sam--my" Sam entered him before he could finish the sentence, Sam was conflicted he wanted to go slow and cherish the moment, but he also wasn't sure how long Bobby would be gone, so he started moving, making long slow strides Dean started to adjust and gave corresponding moans to his thrusts.

"Dean, look at me" the command was quickly followed and when he looked into his brother's eyes he knew, they've crossed that line, there was no going back for either of them, no running away, this was it, they chose this, and he was even more reassured when Dean spoke.

"Sammy, please don't leave me again"  Dean wraps his legs tightly around his brother and with each thrust they gave a little more of themselves to each other.

"I promise, baby, I promise" Sam whispered over and over laying kissed every where he could, Dean wrapped his arms around Sam's neck mimicking his legs forcing Sam to abandon the soulful gaze into his eyes, but somehow it felt more intimate, feeling dean desperately trying to pull him closer just pushed him over the edge, his thrusts were shorter but more intense, he was close enough to hear all the little sounds his big brother will deny making and he took pride in knowing he was the cause, he pushed deeper with every thrust and when he hit Dean's prostate he felt Dean's body shiver as he tightens around Sam's cock, garnering himself a moan from Sam, wanting to make sure they finish at the same time Sam increased his pace hitting the spot at just the right angle with just the right amount of force and before he knew it Dean was crying out  and so was he, Cumming with Dean's name on his lips and his on Dean's. He's never been happier, than he was laying next to his brother post sex, Dean's face beat red, and buried in his neck, Sam was sure this is what heaven felt like, close enough any way.

"uh Dean -"

"oh god Sam no , do not ask if I'm OK, I'm not a virgin and I'm not a girl and just shut up, please"

Sam cracked a smile so wide it hurt his cheeks

"no, what I was going to say was, did I hurt you?"

"what??, oh, OK I'm leaving"  Dean tries to climb out of bed and Sam pulls him back in, pinning his hands above his head and kissing him intently

"I thought we promised no more leaving" Sam looks at him with a sudden seriousness in his eyes and Dean gets it, so he wraps his legs around Sam for leverage and flips his almost effortlessly, Sam gives in and just lays there on his back looking up at Dean who looked so beautiful, he kept that to himself and just smiled like an idiot, dean leans down and kissed him softly before climbing off the bed

"yea well if you keep asking about our first time, I change my mind"  they both laugh because they knew that was a lie.

"well you know if you don't want me asking about  our first time we should just get on the second" Sam reached out pulling Dean back into bed and dean lets him, but they just laid there 'not cuddling'

"so I guess this makes you a cheater now?" Sam is still wearing that stupid grin on his face, he wasn't proud helping Dean earn that title exactly, he was just happy thinking he stole dean.

"speak for yourself"

"what do you mean?, and uh no, Kelly and I broke up last night, I mean she was pissed I called her drunk, but I ended things"

"so did I", Sam waited for Dean to explain but he just laid there silent

"you want to talk about it?"

"not really, I'm where I want to be, that's all that matters"

"Dean I'm sorry I didn't mean to make light of cheating, I was just, I'm sorry I know you cared about him, maybe we should have taken things slower" same pulls Dean closer to his chest.

"it's OK Sammy you didn't know and, thing is when you left last night, I lost my shit, I was already planning to telling Tom, but when he came home I just couldn't, but when you left, it was clear that I needed to be with you, I had to find you I drove around for hours looking I was on my way to Stanford when Bobby called me, I thought-"

"Dean, you thought I left?"

"wouldn't be the first time"

"I deserved that, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to think I left like that again, I just couldn't watch you with him anymore, not when I knew you felt the same way I did. Dean I love you so when I was away from you, the only time I felt anything real was when I remember the pain of losing you, and I don't want to ever feel that pain again, I can't, I'd rather die". Sam's grip grew tighter and the silence grew

after what seemed like forever Dean spoke.

"if it was so hard why did you leave?, I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here but why? Because you had feelings for me?" of all the things Sam wanted to talk about in this one of his happiest moments, why he left wasn't even in the ball park.

"yea, kinda"

"why didn't you just tell me?

"I donnoe, I didn't know if you'd feel the same way, and I didn't want to say anything and put you into a awkward position, or make you feel pressured"

"OK that's a load a bull, I'm sorry but I know you, you were always selfish, partly because I spoiled you but you've never been able to keep anything to yourself, least not from me, even if you know I'll be mad or whatever"

"well, dad helped me see, it was the best thing to do"

"wait, dad?"  Dean is sitting up now, he turns to face Sam "dad convinced you to leave?"

"yea"

"Son of a bitch, he told me he caught you leaving and you guys got in an argument and you said you didn't wanna be a hunter and, and this was you chance to break free and all that other crap, of course when you didn't call I figured he was probably telling the truth, but what I don't get is why would dad convince you to leave?"

Sam was silent for a bit and not meeting his eyes Dean took his hand

"hey, that's my thing, comeon Sammy, tell me"

"he knew"

"he knew?, Dean says slowly as realization started to sink in, he knew?, how?"

"well, uh don't hate me, but he walked in on me , uh kissing you while you were sleeping"

"oh"

"oh?, thats it? You're not gonna yet at me call me a pervert, you were worried about taking advantage of me?, I was the one-"

"Sam!, stop, I'm not mad, truth is I wasn't always asleep"

"wait, what?"

"what I'm saying is you weren't the only on with repressed feelings, OK"

"yea but you knew I did that?, kissed you in your sleep I mean?" Sam face was tomato red, the embarrassment was growing.

"yeah"

"why didn't you say anything? We could have saved each other all this heart ache"

"because Sammy!,  I was confused, I thought you were confused, you were young and I thought you'd grow out of it, and I was already starting to have feeling, for you, I didn't want to drag you into this mess, you were supposed to meet a nice girl get married maybe have some kids you know, be normal"

"you sound like dad, I don't want a nice girl Dean, I want you, I've always wanted you" Sam pulls Dean into a tight hug and kisses his forehead "there's something I want to know though, the night dad walked in were you awake?"

"no, but I wish I was, I really do. Every time I was awake I kissed you back" Sam thinks back and smiled it was true there were only a couple times Dean had kissed him back and he thought it was reflexes, he feels pretty stupid thinking back.

"you know I used to hope you'd wake up just so I would have no choice but to tell you the truth"

" I wish I opened my eyes"

"me too, but that was then and this is now, no more secrets, no more lies, just you and me against the world, promise?"

"promise"

"oh and try to keep your eyes open from now on will you"

"shut up!"

They smiled at each other and knew this was it, this was them, always and forever...soulmates.


End file.
